Older and Wiser (Part 2)

I recall getting together with a good friend for the graduation of his oldest daughter from college. We took the opportunity to compare notes about how we started our careers after college.

You see, my friend took the conventional route: he got a nine-to-five job, married his college sweetheart, and started a family. He raised his two daughters and a son to excel in everything they did with the same drive and discipline that was instilled in both of us by our parents.

As we gazed at his family over dinner, we reflected on how we were in our 20s. Yes, we were overachievers, but we also shared our parent’s expectations for success. As a result, we often expressed those expectations in much the same way as our parents.

Or perhaps differently, when we caught ourselves in those moments. We remembered how those words made us feel when we were in our 20s, and soften the tone to come across as suggestions rather than as expectations.

Hindsight may not be 20/20, but it does show how we become older and wiser.

Older and Wiser

I caught up with a former colleague over dinner. At one point during our conversation, he asked me whether my outlook on life has changed because I’m older and wiser. Being stumped for an answer, I just replied that I’m more experienced about life.

You see, when I was younger, I thought that anything was possible if I just set my mind on it. Less than a year after graduating from college, I landed my dream job as a magazine editor that I thought would surely make me happy forever (or at least until I retired).

But after six years of tight deadlines and endless travel, I decided that I just wanted a reasonable commute between home and work. So, I became a technical writer in Silicon Valley: a total of 17 jobs that lasted anywhere from 6 months to 6 years along with the 7 layoffs that lasted 3 to 11 months.

Looking back, I admit not every choice I made during that time brought me to the place where I am today. Through the best of the boom times and the worst of the bust times, those choices did teach me two lessons:

• I’m not always going to get my way;

• Even if I do get my way. the outcome seldom meets my expectations.

Was it because self-reliance failed me? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it often did not go far enough.

So, perhaps older and wiser may just mean that when life hands me lemons I make lemonade.

The Second Time Around

I once actively pursued past times when I was young: kayaking on Montterey Bay; hiking in the Santa Cruz mountains; mountain biking on Mission Peak; or just reading a book while listening to my favorite jazz music.

Somehow, those past times became less important than the weekday  grind of putting a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, and a few dollars in the bank for a rainy day.

That weekday grind eventually became a 37-year “career” as a full-time employee and contractor ranging from pre-IPO startups to Fortune 500 companies in Silicon Valley: 17 jobs that lasted 6 months to 6 years (including  7 layoffs lasting 3 to 11 months).

As a full-time employee, the weekday grind consisted of constantly looking over my shoulder after being let go despite working long hours to meet tight project deadlines.

As a contractor, the weekday grind consisted of leaving without a trace after 6:00 pm since I no focus on the golden handcuffs (eg, health insurance, 401(k) plan, or stock options) that shackle full-time employees to the notion of “job security”.

The weekday grind eventually came to an end when I decided to move to a more leisurely and affordable lifestyle in the San Joaquin Valley near Sacramento.

So, friends and family ask me what I’m doing now.  I simply reply that I’m on a sabbatical. I don’t bring work home with me. I don’t unwind from the stress of 60 hour work weeks that made me dread Mondays. I don’t obsess about layoffs that made me dread Thursdays.

My attention is gradually returning to those past times that I once pursued. I live near Lodi Lake with direct access to the Mokelumne River for kayaking, hiking, and mountain biking.I also set aside time to just relax and read a book while listening to my favorite jazz music.

You see, my  life has always had a a meaning, purpose, and plan. I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

That Was Then, This Is Now

I’ve noticed that there  are certain personal traits  that  prevent me from living life on life’s terms: thoughts that become words; words that become actions; actions that become habits; habits that shape character, character that determines  destiny.

The 17 jobs that lasted 6 months to 6 years (and the 7 layoffs that lasted 3 to 11 months) have taught me a somewhat pragmatic  approach  to work as expressed by these  rules:

“Nothing personal, just business”. Although managers  may say that they value me and my contributions, anyone is expendable if the bottom line takes a nosedive.

“If the boss says jump, ask how high.” Either my words and actions have a positive impact on the bottom line, or I’m being added to the list of the next to be let go (this follows the “one finger points   out, three fingers point back” rule).

“Little changes now prepare me for the big change later”.  Either I adapt as change inevitably happens, or I resist change and (eventually) get added to that list of the next to be let go.

I recall an incident over 10 years ago that serves as a constant reminder of how much my character has changed (and how much it has stayed the same).  I once watched a younger colleague–who looked much like me when I graduated from college — act much like me when I graduated from college. This younger colleague berated another during work hours for being incompetent and wasting his precious time in a very public setting (well, there really is no privacy when you work in cubicles). The younger  colleague was let go shortly  afterwards.

While  I was shocked at the poor manners of my younger colleague,  I also realized  how my words and actions  would put me on the list of those to be let go next (or the infamous “sh-t list”). You see, while I could  be  the most talented and accomplished  employee on paper,  I also could be expendable  simply because I was unbearable.  Like my younger  colleague, my  bosses and colleagues could have put up with me, perhaps out of equal doses of empathy and pragmatism, only to be confronted with restlessness, irritability, and discontent. 

 

Feelings Are Not Facts

I”m finally coming to terms with Doom (the self-centered fear of losing what I have) and Gloom (the self-centered fear of not getting what I want). I have this knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with recollections of disappointment, frustration, and resentment. The chatter of Doom and Gloom make me wonder about what would happen next if the other shoe fell.

You see, I drag my past into the present whenever I treat feelings as “facts”. Some person, place, situation, or outcome is not what I expect, and I overreact as I am taken out of my comfort zone of what is known and familiar.

A common term for this malaise is “doubt”.  My past reminds me that I’m not so sure that I know what’s best for me (or others). Doubt leads to fear when I am faced with making choices based on selfish or self-seeking motives, accompanied by guilt and remorse knowing that I’m accountable for the outcome of those choices.

So, just for today, I will make decisions and act on them rather than slip into the whirlpool of doubt that turns feelings into “false evidence appearing real”.