Moving On

A good friend once told me “You’ll go back to work when someone wants you to go to work for them, not when you want to go back to work.” I am struck by how simple and straightforward that sounds, but it is also very profound.  I can do the footwork of looking for a job — take the outplacement workshops, write and revise my resume, send my resume to every job lead that comes my way–and it still is out of my hands whether I get a job today (or not).  A prospective employer will review my resume for my qualifications and salary requirements. then determine whether the job requirements (and the budget) are a good fit. This follows the Golden Rule: “Those that have the gold make the rules.”

So heeding that Golden Rule, I set modest expections for myself when I went on two sets of  interviews before Christmas —  I also hedged my bets by submitting resumes expressing my qualifications for other full-time positions. Then came the waiting part as companies take the traditional holiday break when companies shut down  between Christmas and New Year.

As I have had time to ponder the past layoffs  I’ve endured, I realized that somehow all of my needs were being provided. While I was hounded by Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want), I still managed to keep a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table.

So, at this point, I need to acknowledge who my real Employer is, and I just need to perform the footwork laid before me.

Best wishes for a prosperous and joyful New Year.

I started a holiday tradition when my oldest niece was just four years old (she’s now 21 and at a far off place called UC Davis). Having first recited my three rules, we ventured into Walmart so that she could pick her own present–the caveats were that there was a $25 limit and she would need to wait until Christmas to unwrap it. She spent nearly an hour going up and down the toy aisles looking for that special gift, with me in tow, carefully explaining to me her likes and dislikes as I made several suggestions (then I  just gave up). Having settled on what I remember being a Barbie (or was it Cinderella) brush and comb set, she was quite content and I didn’t have to figure out what to buy a four-year-old because she told me.

These holiday shopping trips grew over time to include my  my youngest niece (now 13 and about ready to go to high school). As always, there was an element of enlightened self-interest for me since I never had to guess what to give them if I just listened and paid attention.  They also benefitted by learning to handle money trying to get the biggest bang for their $25 (it served as a practical way to teach them arithmetic as they added up the price of all their wants), as well as sharpened their ability to negotiate a better deal (I was often a soft touch if they presented a good case).

This year, reflecting back on all that has happened to me, I was reminded of a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson that put everything in perspective: “In the order of nature we cannot render benefits to those from whom we receive them, or only seldom. But the benefit we receive must be rendered again, line for line, deed for deed, cent for cent, to somebody.”

So, I added a twist to the annual holiday shopping trip with a commitment to pay forward all the blessings I have received  (see my post Gratitude List (Redux)). In addition to picking a gift for themselves, I asked my nieces to pick a gift for someone their age that I could bring for a church-sponsored  drive for those less fortunate. I watched in admiration as my nieces spent as much time and care picking the Barbie Doll to be donated as their own gifts.

I also added the same twist with my oldest grandson, now eight and a big Lego fan. He had set his eyes on a  Pirates of the Caribbean  set he wanted that went beyond the budget at $120,  but I calmly explained that it would take two to three hours for either his mom, dad, Grandma, or me  to earn enough money to buy the toy. I admit that he certainly presented a good case for the generosity by also picking out age-appropriate toys for my younger grandsons (now five and three years old). Dillon eventually eventually chose a strategy of the biggest bang for the buck by selecting a Nitroblast set and two Dagedar Balls sets.

He also took extra care in choosing a toy suitable for a boy his age. I calmly explained that not every parent was able to give a boy a present for Christmas, so he could think of the toy as a present from him. After thinking about it for a moment, he was OK with the idea and he chose a Furno 3.0 set. The toys eventually arrived with other gifts that Barb and I brought to the local toy collection at our local church.

In the end, my nieces and grandson gave me a precious gift  – a reminder that there is indeed a reason for the season.

It’s now official-I am one of the 11.4% available and seeking work in California. I have two phone interviews scheduled for this week for possible contract positions, and I’ve submitted resumes expressing my qualifications for other full-time positions. Now comes the waiting part.

A good friend put it best for me “You’ll go back to work when someone wants you to go to work for them, not when you want to go back to work.” I am struck by how simple and straightforward that sounds, but it is also very profound.  I can do the footwork of looking for a job — take the outplacement workshops, write and revise my resume, send my resume to every job lead that comes my way–and it still is out of my hands whether I get a job today (or not).  A prospective employer will review my resume for my qualifications and salary requirements. then determine whether the job requirements (and the budget) are a good fit. I need to be reminded that there is a Golden Rule: “Those that have the gold make the rules.”

So, at this fork in the road, which employer do I really want to work for (and by what rules)? As I have had time to ponder the past layoffs  I’ve endured, I need to acknowledge that somehow all of my needs were being provided. I’m still hounded by Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want), but I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on the table.

So perhaps I need to be reminded that this time, like the other times, that all of my needs will be provided, as long as I acknowledge who my real Employer is, and I just need to perform the footwork laid before me.

A good friend of mine commented on Deja Vu (All Over Again) about insanity as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”. As for me, I would say that the notion that man is (somehow) in control of his fate is the basis of all delusions.

I once had the attitude that it was my top priority in life to satisfy my legitimate needs, desires, and concerns. So, therefore, I livd my life as if I had every right to do what I needed to do to “make it happen”.

However, I eventually have come to the conclusion that my will gets me into trouble. I had to accept that much of my troubles are of my own making — it is in fact a delusion to act as if I can play God in my life (or the life of any others).

When I didn’t “make it happen”, I found that I usually felt either inadequate or deprived. I tended to either blame myself for not “managing well”,  or I allowed Doom and Gloom (those self-centered fears of not getting what I want or losing what I have) to blame “them” for getting in the way. This gave me the justification to push even harder.

Driven by ambition or frustration, my will would often put me in collision with people, places, situations, and outcomes. Like that bull in the proverbial china shop, I inevitably ended up offending (or actually harming) others seemingly without provocation — and they often retaliated.

So each morning, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. What I find throughout the day is that self-pity, dishonesty, and self-centeredness do have a way of sneaking back into my psyche, subtly distorting my thoughts and actions so that I am not always so sure if I am in God’s will or my will.

A common term for this malaise is “doubt”. It’s not so much whether I believe that God exists or doesn’t exist (I happen to believe that He does). It’s that I’m not so sure whether the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God’s will — and ultimately whether I’m willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.

Doubt seems to be that place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I have lead to choices of whether I believe that “I know what’s best for me” or “God knows what’s best for me”. My experience tells me that my doubts usually lead to fear whenever I make choices based on my will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I’m ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that my doubts usually lead to faith when I make choices based on God’s will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.

I arrived to work at my usual time yesterday, when my colleague stopped by cubicle to quietly let me know that layoffs were happening and that two writers were already gone.  A few minutes later, my manager stopped by and asked to meet with me privately.

He simply told me that the company was going through a reorganization instituted by the new CEO who arrived last August, and that I was being laid off with several others who worked for my manager. After six months, just like that,  I lost a permanent full-time  job, along with the perks that I didn’t have for the two years I worked as a contractor: the  health insurance , sick leave, accrued vacation,  401(k) plans, stock options, and the 20 minute commute.

It seems so straightforward now, as if it was somehow scripted to happen the way that it did. Yet,  as I look back over two years ago when I began this journey, every step that I have taken along the way haven’t  been as orderly as I would like (see my post Changing Times). There have been many forks  along the way, where my choices have brought me to a place where I am today. Along with those choices has been the endless chatter of Doom and Gloom (or those self-centered fears of losing what I have or not getting what I want)  that made me constantly worry about would happen if the other shoe fell.

Well, at least for today,  the other shoe has fallen on solid ground.  As has happened many times before, I’ve updated my resume and my LinkedIn profile, as well as  contacted recruiters who know me.  But I have also made the choice today to ask for help from friends and colleagues, and they gave encouragement and support in return. I also asked God on a daily basis to direct my thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives (see New Year’s Resolution).

I realize that I am only really responsible for the footwork, and that I need to turn over the outcome to God, who is my ultimate employer. There always has been a meaning, purpose, and plan for my life, I just have to remember that it’s not up to me to know (or understand) all of the details.

It’s nearly six months since I started my new job, yet I get a sense at times that I have been there and done that. I admit that I have a habit of dragging my past into the present as I turn feelings into “facts”. It’s like I have a knack for subtly distorting present circumstances with past disappointments, frustrations, and anxieties. So it is only with persistent and conscious effort is it possible for me to not slip into a whirlpool of negativity and see how such feelings become false evidence appearing real (or just plain fear).

You see, there was a time when I was out of work and trying to second guess the interviewers so that I could convince them (and perhaps myself as well) that I was the perfect candidate for the position. I ended up settling for less money than I was making at my previous job, then there was an additional 10% reduction that was imposed on all employees as a cost-cutting measure. To make matters worse, on my first day on that  job, I discovered that the company laid off five writers and their manager, then replaced them with just me (because apparently most of the development work was off-shored to Russia).

So, almost nine years later, I find myself (again) staring at rows of empty cubicles as I make my way to mine, and I “fear” that my past is about to become my present.  My take home salary hasn’t changed since my time as a contractor, but my employer has imposed  furlough days as a cost-cutting measure.  Likewise, a colleague informed me that our employer did lay off a team of writers and their manager before they hired just him two years prior (but we are working with the development team who emigrated from Russia).

Still, times have changed. With the unemployment rate still at 12.5% rate, my resume was carefully screened for the perfect fit by the recruiter before I was offered  a permanent job with the perks that I didn’t have for the  two years I worked as as a contractor  – the  health insurance , sick leave, accrued vacation,  401(k) plans, and stock options. Besides that, the project is interesting, the people are nice, and my commute is only 20 minutes.

What more can I ask for?

Perhaps I should be grateful that I am not disappointed with the outcome, since I know that my fortunes are indeed changing as God does for me what I cannot do for myself.

I celebrated several milestones this past week: my 54th birthday, my two year anniversay from being laid off, and three months on my current job assignment.  My New Years resolution is giving me trouble, however (see New Years Resolution).  Each morning, I ask God to direct my thinking, especially  asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonesty, or self-seeking motives. What I find throughout  the day is that self-pity, dishonesty, and self-centeredness have a way of sneaking back into my psyche, subtly distorting my thoughts and actions so that I am not always so sure if I am in God’s will or my will.

A common term for this malaise is “doubt”.  It’s not so much whether God exists or doesn’t exist (I happen to believe that He does).  It’s that I’m not so sure whether  the choices that I make throughout the day are aligned with my will or God’s will — and ultimately  whether I’m  willing to accept the outcomes of those choices.

That seems to be the place where my faith meets my fears. Any doubts that I may have lead to choices of whether I believe that “I know what’s best for me” or “God knows what’s best for me”. My experience tells me that doubt usually leads to fear whenever  I make choices based on self will, along with the guilt and shame of knowing that I’m ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes. My experience also tells me that doubt usually leads to faith when I make  choices based on God’s will, along with the acceptance and serenity of knowing that He is ultimately responsible and accountable for the outcomes.

So,  I am realizing that it’s in my best interest to be responsible only for the footwork of the choices that I make each day.  I am no longer in charge, and I need to say many times throughout the day “Thy will, not mine, be done.”